Sunday, August 13, 2017

Cosplay Bullying happened to me / L'intimidation de costumade m'est arrivé

I hear about cosplay bullying pretty much everyday thanks to social media. Up to now, I had never been confronted to nasty remarks said me. Otakuthon’s 2017 masquerade was my first time. I had always expected that if any bullying happened to me, it would be because of my weight: after all, I’m overweight and still cosplay thin characters such as Elsa, or Nozomi Tojo. I also thought that if no one had attacked me verbally or on-line until now, it was because I’m a mom doing this with her kids, and who would be low enough to attack a mom! That is probably why I was caught so off-guard by what people said about me and to me.

J’entends parler d’intimidation dans le monde se la costumade (cosplay) pratiquement tous les jours grâce aux médias sociaux. Jusqu’à maintenant je n’avais jamais été confrontée à des remarques méchantes à mon propos. La mascarade d’Otakuthon 2017 fut ma première fois. Je m’étais toujours attendue à ce que si je doive être victime d’intimidation, ce soit pour mon poids : après tout, je suis taille plus et je me costume en personnages minces comme Elsa ou Nozomi Tojo. J’avais aussi toujours pensé que si je m’étais évité les attaques verbales ou en ligne, c’était en partie parce que je suis une maman qui fait ça avec ses enfants, et qui serait assez bas pour s’en prendre à une mère! C’est probablement pourquoi j’ai été aussi prise au dépourvu par ce que les gens ont dit de moi et à moi.

The kids and I at Otakuthon 2017: Maleficent, Princess Aurora and Prince Philip /
Les enfants et moi à Otakuthon 2017: Maléfique, Princesse Aurore et Prince Philippe
Photo by/par Vincent Gratton

It all happened in the green room, about half an hour before the show. We had already been lined up to go on stage and I was fussing over my son’s costume, trying to straighten his tabard when a member of the staff, along with another cosplayer I didn’t know, said these things to me:

"You should be ashamed of yourself: your costume is so much nicer than the ones you’ve made your kids. You are stealing their limelight."

"You really have no place going on stage with the juniors.”

 And with that, felt demolished and embarrassed to the point of not wanting to go on-stage anymore. Had it been possible for me to change our skit at this point, I think I would have done it (but with the music the way it was edited, I couldn’t see how). Was that what people really thought of me? Was that how the public who saw me and my kids year after year on the masquerade stage really see me?

I tried to be rational. Of course I make nicer costumes for myself, as I will still fit in it for years to come, whereas my kids won’t fit in theirs by Christmas. But is it wrong of me to go on stage? I’ve been doing it with my daughter first, and then with my son, for the last 6 years, I simply got used to entering in the Junior category so we could do this as a family. Sure, my daughter could probably enter artisan with me for presentation (I think she is a good actress), but then she might not automatically get a ribbon, and that would be unfair to her since she is still a kid. And my son is still a bit lost on stage, I can’t let him go alone!

Tout est arrivé dans le foyer des artistes (green room), environ 30 minutes avant le spectacle. On nous avait déjà demandé se faire la file afin d’être prêts à nous rendre sur scène et je m’occupais du costume de mon fils, essayant de remettre son tabard droit, quand une membre du personnel ainsi qu’une autre costumadière que je ne connais pas m’ont dit les choses suivantes :

« Tu devrais avoir honte : tu te fais des costumes beaucoup plus beau que ceux que tu fais à tes enfants. Tu leur vole la vedette. »

« Tu n’as vraiment rien à faire sur scène en catégorie junior. »

Et avec ces quelques phrases, je me suis sentie démolie et embarrassée au point de ne plus vouloir aller sur scène. S’il m’avait été possible de changer notre présentation à ce point, je l’aurais fait (mais avec la musique montée comme elle l’était, je ne voyais pas comment). Est-ce que c’était vraiment ce que les gens pensaient de moi? Est-ce que c’est comme ça que le public, qui me voit avec mes enfants année après année, me considère? 

J’ai essayé d’être rationnelle : bien sûr que je me fais des costumes plus travailler, puisque les miens me feront pour des années à venir alors que les enfants ne rentreront plus dans les leurs à Noël. Mais est-ce mal de ma part d’aller sur scène? Je le fais depuis tellement d’années, d’abord avec ma fille il y a 6 ans, puis avec mon fils, que je me suis habituée à me présenter en junior pour que l’on puisse faire ça en famille. Bien sûr, ma fille pourrait probablement se présenter avec moi en artisan pour la présentation (elle est bonne comédienne selon moi), mais elle ne gagnerait pas nécessairement de ruban et ce serait injuste pour elle puisqu’elle n’est qu’une enfant. Et mon fils est encore plutôt perdu sur scène, je ne peux pas le laisser y aller seul!


Scene from the Green Room: Maleficent with a few layers missing /
Scène du foyer des artistes: Maléfique avec quelques couches en moins
Photo by / par Phunkey

After our turn on stage, I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. I changed everyone in a corner, didn’t speak to anyone, and just felt generally miserable. I told my daughter what people had said to me after we had left the green room, and her reaction was the best.

"Well did they ask ME if I’m bothered by the fact that my mom comes with me on stage? You should have told them to ask me. I would have told them that I love doing masquerades with you. In fact, I want to continue doing masquerades with you forever, even if I’m old enough to go on stage alone. Because I enjoy doing this with you.”

Thank you so much sweetie.

Alas, I later learned from a long-time friend who works as staff that yet another staff person had said something along the lines of:

“Geez, that girl always enters with her kids. I guess she can’t do it by herself.”

That is really petty. Especially since said person was at Costume-Con this year and know full well that I can in fact do it alone all by myself, having entered 4 competitions there. But the fact that she was a judge at a local convention where I did enter the masquerade with my kids insults me.

Après notre tour sur scène, je n’avais qu’une idée, partir au plus vite. Je nous ai changés dans un coin, je n’ai parlé à personne, et je me sentais misérable de manière générale. J’ai raconté à ma fille ce qu’on m’avait dit une fois sorti du foyer des artistes, et sa réaction fut la meilleure :

« Est-ce qu’ils m’ont demandé à MOI si ça me dérange d’avoir ma mère sur scène avec moi? Tu aurais dû leur dire de venir me le demander. Je leur aurait dit que j’aime faire des mascarades avec toi. En fait, je veux toujours les faire avec toi, même si je suis assez vieille pour aller sur scène seule. Parce que j’aime faire ça avec toi. »

Merci beaucoup ma chérie.

Malheureusement, j’ai appris plus tard par un ami qui travaille à l’organisation de la mascarade qu’une autre membre du personnel aurait dit quelque chose du genre de:

« Aye, elle elle se présente toujours avec ses enfants. Ça doit être parce qu’elle n’est pas capable de faire ça toute seule. »

Ça c’est vraiment mesquin. Surtout que ladite personne était à Costume-Con cette année et sait parfaitement que je suis en fait capable de faire ça toute seule comme une grande puisque j’ai participé à 4 compétitions là-bas. Mais c’est le fait qu’elle était juge à une convention locale où j’ai participé à la mascarade avec mes enfants qui m’insulte le plus. 


Junior masquerade awards / Remise de prix Junior
Photo by / par Tâm Kiều

To those 3 individuals, I have this to say: how dare you? How dare you be so mean? I’m just a mother who wants to include my kids in my hobby, and to do that I sacrifice by entering in junior category. Many parents I know just leave their kids behind so they can have a good time, but I don’t do that. Outside of the 2 times I’ve been to Costume-Con (in Toronto), I have taken my kids with me every time I’ve been to a convention, and I stick to local ones so we can be home at a decent hour on masquerade night. Do you know many people who do that? What made you say these things to me or behind my back? What right did you think you had to take one of our most precious family activities and destroy it by such bitches? Because yes, right now, I don’t feel like doing masquerades as a family anymore, especially not local ones. Mission accomplished, haters!

Every year, as soon as Otakuthon is over, my daughter, who is my cosplay partner, and I start dreaming of next year’s costumes and skit. Unfortunatly this year, I can’t seem to get over all these comments. I realize that it was just 3 people and I know I shouldn’t let the haters get to me, but it’s no use. Somehow, I feel like my passion for conventions and masquerades has been extinguished in one evening. In time, I will probably get over it; but barely a week later, I still feel really hurt.

N.B. I have already contacted the Masquerade director to let her know about this, and having known her for years, I have the utmost respect for her. I do not in any way believe that she is responsible for 2 of her staff being so rude, nor do I blame Otakuthon as an organization for any of it. Some people are ill mannered, and that is just that. 

À ces 3 individus, j’ai ceci à dire : comment pouvez-vous? Comment pouvez-vous être aussi méchantes? Je suis une mère qui veut inclure ses enfants dans son hobby, et pour ce faire je suis prête à sacrifier en me présentant en mascarade en catégorie junior. Je connais beaucoup de parents qui préfèrent laisser les enfants avec les grands-parents pour aller s’amuser, mais moi je ne suis pas comme ça. Mis à part les deux fois où je suis allée à Costume-Con (à Toronto), j’ai toujours emmené mes enfants avec moi en convention, et je ne fréquente que les mascarades locales pour être à la maison à une heure décente le soir de la mascarade. Vous connaissez beaucoup de gens qui font ça? Qu’est-ce qui vous a poussé à me dire ces choses, ou à les dire dans mon dos? De quel droit vous pensiez-vous la détentrice de prendre une de nos activités familiales favorites et de la détruire en étant aussi vache? Parce qu’effectivement, en ce moment, je n’ai plus envie de refaire de mascarades en famille, surtout pas dans des évènements locaux. Mission accomplie, bande d’haineuses!

Chaque année, dès que l’Otakuthon est terminé, ma fille, qui est ma partenaire de costumade, et moi commençons à rêver aux costumes et à la présentation de l’an prochain. Malheureusement cette année, je ne semble pas me remettre de ces commentaires. Je réalise qu’il ne s’agissait que de 3 personnes, et je sais que je ne devrais pas me laisser atteindre de la sorte, mais je n’y peux rien. D’une certaine façon, c’est comme si ma passion pour les conventions et les mascarades s’était éteinte en une soirée. Avec le temps, j’imagine que je vais m’en remettre; mais après seulement une semaine, je me sens encore trop blessée.

N.B. J’ai déjà contacté la directrice de la mascarade pour l’informer de ce qui s’est passé, et puisque je la connais depuis des années, j’ai un très grand respect pour elle. Je ne la tiens absolument pas responsable des propos déplacés de deux membres de son personnel. Je ne blâme pas non plus Otakuthon en tant qu’organisation. Il y a des gens mal élevés, et c’est comme ça.

14 comments:

  1. I was in the masquerade, I was in a den near to you. And oh god you I've respond to them if I was near enough to hear that. No one has the right to say that to you. You were awesome, your kids were awesome and so sweet. Entering junior with little kids is the best (I have a younger sister with whom I used to enter in junior, but now she want to be novice with her friend while I'm an Artisan).
    Just do yourself, have fun with your kids. And keep speaking up like that. Cosplay bullying is not right. Talking like that about someone who has fun with their kids is not right. You do you. You were awesome. And keep going.

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  2. Are you kidding me!!!! I am so angry ! I saw your presentation and it's was so cute and adorable. Your cosplay was perfect and your kids cosplay was amazing! They were so cute. It's so fun that you do this with your family. When a saw you, I was thinking: I wan to do the same thing with my kids when I will be a mom. Don't listen to those staff there were juste jealous. I wish you will continue doing some mascarade with your family and maybe until all of you will be master. Continue your work.

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  3. I Still remember the first time I,saw You and Your family. It was at the Mascarade of Otakuthon 2014. You were in a Doctor Who Kimono Group with Your children. I saw You and thought to myself, Wow! This is What,I,wanna do with my kids. Today, 3 years later, I am staff, working at the Main Events Division and found this sadly outstanding. You are an inspiration for many cosplayers and You shouldn't let them Get to You. What they did was unprofessionnal and really unrespectful. If you know the director, then you know that she already took action to be sure this never happen again.

    This should have Never happen anyway, for You are amazing, as yours and your kids cosplays. You were not on stage to,shine but to let THEM shine. So, who cares if your cosplay was well made or not. (But it was truly well made as the previous ones ;) ) And You also gave a solid argument anyway, Hahaha.

    Know That You inspire people and You should continue to do What You (and your kids) love. We are all with You in This. <3

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  4. Having been the Official Masquerade Photographer for 5 World Science Fiction Conventions (1992, 1995, 2002, 2006, 2009), plus a number of other cons, I always assumed that adults going onstage with children were doing so to provide moral support, and not use the children as living props. Don't let that ignorant jerk member of the Masquerade Staff upset you. You have informed the Masquerade Director of their nastiness and if the jerk is back on staff, you'll know that the Masquerade Director cares more about her staff than the contestants. If that is the case, don't enter the Family UNFRIENDLY Masquerade.

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  5. What you're doing is actually a dream of mine. I can't wait to have children to costume with and have a familly hobby and hopefully give them the passion that I have for cosplay. Please continue. For the sake of your children and make us, decent people, hope for something similar, and to bring smiles to non-elitist bitches who still remember what cosplay is about.

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  6. Pour avoir entendu les commentaires, les personnes ont fait preuve d'un véritable manque de tact. Je pense qu'elles croyaient être un compliment, comme quoi le travail de ta robe était vraiment parfait, mais c'était déplacé et méchant.

    Toutefois, pour ces trois personnes, saches qu'il y en a beaucoup qui te soutiennent! Nous t'encourageons à poursuivre, car c'est très admirable ce que tu fais. Tu le fais pour tes enfants, pour vivre une belle expérience familiale. Je souhaiterais un jour fait de même lorsque j'en aurai!

    Ça ne sera pas facile, mais j'espère que tu vas continuer tout de même et combien leur montrer qu'ils ont tord!

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  7. Sadly whenever I do masquerades now I do expect some backlash or bullying from other competitors, since it being a competition it does spark some rivalry and nastiness, but I really never expect it from the staff?! They are there to work to make the masquerade run smoothly, not cause drama just before!

    The best way to go forward with this is to do what you did an address the situation to the director but I say this should not discourage what you do. You were there for your children and it is in their division, technically you would not win anything, they would. It is the junior division afterall!

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  8. It's so upsetting to hear that this happened to you. I understand that people say hurtful things, but I imagine it's because they don't walk in your shoes and appreciate how much time, energy, love, and care you put into what you do. I've know you for so long, and I can say that you're a strong, creative, and very talented person who didn't deserve this treatment - no one does. I have no doubt that your daughter loves every minute of being on stage, any stage, with her mother, and that your son does too. The negative voices cut us the deepest, and stick with us the longest. Just know that I am one of the many many many other voices that tell you to stay strong, stay hopeful, and keep doing what you're doing. Because years from now, you will look back with your kids fondly on some of their best childhood memories. I loved every single costume my mom ever made me, I'm sure your kids will be the same. You're an amazing costume designer, an amazing seamstress, and an amazing mom. Rock on!

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  9. Ben voyons dont! Sérieusement, je t'encourage à ne pas te laisser abattre! C'est beau ce que tu fais avec tes enfants, leurs costumes sont super mignons et ils sont heureux de le faire avec toi! Si tu ne le refais pas, ce sont eux que tu punis pour les atrocités des autres. C'est une super belle activité que tu as avec eux qui crée des liens forts, ne gâche pas ça pour quelques langues de vipère! :-)

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  10. You and your kids looked LOVELY! I love watching parents cosplaying with their kids so much! And here in Brazil they usually end up stealing the spotlight cause everyone here loves seeing families cosplaying together! Your girl is AMAZING! So level headed! You should be proud of yourself and your children! <3

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  11. Wow, je suis bouche-bée honnêtement, j'en reviens pas comment les gens peuvent être puériles à ce point. Aucune de ces pensées ne m'a traversé l'esprit en vous voyant sur scène et au contraire, je trouvais ça très mignon et amusant! Je vous encourage à continuer et à ignorer ces imbéciles qui ne savent que rabaisser les autres. Bonne continuation <3

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  12. I know what you mean I have been there. My frienf anf I were trying to get jobs at a local store and they called me a novice and said he wasnt the right color to cosplay. Luckily the store was eventually shut down due to sexual Harrassment against the employees, racisim and, the attitudes given by the employees working there to the customers. Honestly its shit like this that makes me sick. People need to learn when to grow the fuck up. Sorry this happened to you just remeber you quit they are getting exactly what they want.

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  13. Your story unfortunately is not the first I heard. Cosplay is supposed to be a hobby but some take it way to seriously and criticise in a non constructive way any cosplay that is better than theirs. Or if they see you are having fun. I did the masquerade last year and received my share of mean comments to the point that I didn't even post pictures of my cosplay from last year on my FB. Don't let it get to you like it did to me. If your family enjoy cosplaying and doing the masquerade then keep on doing it. Hope to see you on stage again next year.

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  14. I am so sad for you that those comments took away the joy of these experiences and memories with yout kids. Don't let them stop your from making awesome memories.

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